|
|
Crime Wave!!...or...the fat pig known as the Lynchpin gets replaced as the leading crime master of Parodiopolis by....well, you'll have to read the story to find that one out, won't you? Sunday, 27-Feb-2000 16:09:57
In a spacious office in an ordinary looking skyscraper, the leading members of the Parodiopolis underworld sit around a long conference table. The members include the Lynchpin, the obese bald pig and chairman of the group, Akiko Masamune, leader of the oriental sections of the Mafia, Al Capone, still alive and kicking, the MOnocle, the Dove, an odd looking freak show obsessed with doves, Old Eddy, a hundred year old poop big into illegal court dealings, and Nathan Detroit, master of the Oldest Established Permanent Floating Crap Game in New York. Lynchpin: Let’s hear the progress reports, gentlemen. I want to hear how much money you’ve all made for me…I mean, us. Detroit: HE’S GOOD OLD RELIABLE, NATHAN, LEADER OF THE OLDEST ESTABLISHED PERMANENT FLOATING CRAP GAME, IN NEW YOOOORRRRKKKK!!! Vote for Kennedy!! Lynchpin:…? Detroit: Everyone wants to back Jack, Jack is on the right track. He’s got, HIGH HOPES, he’s got, HIGH HOPES, he’s got… Lynchpin: Yes he does. Capone? Dean Kraft: FEEL THE TOUCH OF HOPE!! HEAL THE HANDS!! GOD FEELS THE POWER!! OOOOOOO!!!! Capone: That movie sucked!! Let’s see you heal yourself, Kraft!! Capone pulls out a 1930s style machine gun and blows off Kraft’s head. The Lynchpin quickly gets rid of the evidence by devouring the body. Lynchpin: Now that that’s over, I say we…. Suddenly, the door to the office blows in and a man wearing a red suit and a rimmed red hat walks into the room. His face resembles that of a very, very old mangled man, covered with deep lines and wrinkles. Lynchpin: Crease Face??!! What’s the meaning off this?! I thought you were dead!! As I recall, one of my own men was reported to be the one who killed you during the struggle for the imported cocaine at the docks. Crease Face: Sorry to disappoint you, fat boy, but Crease Face don’t die easily!! Isn’t that right boys?! A large group of suit wearing men holding machine guns nod and laugh. Lynchpin: What do you want? How did you get past my guards?! Crease Face: Your boys ain’t bulletproof, I’m afraid. Lynchpin: Fool! Reinforcements will be here soon! I own this town! Somebody will call the police, and by the time I’m done with you in the courts, you’re going to kill yourself! Crease Face: I don’t think so. I slipped the mayor a million dollars before I came here and promised him a large cut of the money I’m gonna make as the new leader of the criminal underworld. The police aren’t going to do a damn thing. Lynchpin: Really? I never knew the mayor was that corruptible. Too bad he won’t get any of that money you promised him. The Lynchpin slowly and casually moves his hand towards a control panel on his desk. Before he can push the button labeled "spike pit entrance," Crease Face pulls out a gun and shoots the crime lord, sending the obese overlord sprawling out of his industrial sized chair and to the floor. Crease Face: Nice try, fat boy. Next time move a little faster. Anyone else have any objections? The occupants at the conference table quickly nod. Crease Face smiles and sits in the Lynchpin’s chair. Crease Face: I knew there wouldn’t be. I think I’m gonna like it here. Now the first thing’s first. This organization is gonna change, see? I want to see profits and man power tripled in every one of your organizations. I want every politician under my control, and that’s by any means necessary. I want protection payments from every business, and I want our people to engage in every legal and illegal way of making money there is. Got it? You guys can easily be replaced, remember that. The occupants at the conference table nod vigorously. Crease Face: I knew you bums would see it my way. *looking at a mini computer in front of Lynchpin’s control panel* Hr.….just by looking at fat boy’s percentages in business here, though, I notice that you guys have been suffering great money and man power losses in the past three years. Definitely not up to snuff as you should be. What’s putting the freeze on us? The cops are under our control? What’s going on? Capone: It’s the hero groups. Ever since that damn Lair Legion group was formed, various operations have been shut down. The Dark Knight also has caused trouble for us these days. He killed off some top guys in Lynchpin’s….uh…your organization a little while ago. Crease Face: So we got hero problems, eh? The Dark Knight… Crease Face rubs his gnarled chin for a minute, deep in thought, then smiles. Crease Face: Well worry no more, crime fans. I'll deal with that problem. I want the Lair Legion wiped out, and I want it done by tomorrow. Akiko Masamune: You can’t do that! They… Crease Face: Shut up!! All of you are going to participate. I don’t care who you hire, what weapons you use, or what it’s going to set me back. Annihilate them. By tomorrow evening, I want it so it was like they never existed. Then business will go up again, and it will be like these bad percentages never existed. HA HA!! Funny, isn’t it? Old Eddy: What is? Crease Face: It ain’t gonna be no Baron Zemo or Hooded Hood that’s gonna be master of the Parodiopolis, but me, rotten old Crease Face!! Ha!! Life is good. *looking at Lynchpin and scowling* Oh, yeah, one more thing. Somebody get this slob’s body out here. It’s starting to stink….. Next: Operation: Eliminate the Lair Legion! Baron Zemo *GAAHH!!* |
|
Copyright © Looksmart, Ltd. 1997-1999.
All rights reserved.